Feedback on Ben Williams' talk on living with uncertainty at work

Around 70 gathered for this talk in the spacious Lecture Theatre at Scottish Widows. Beforehand, we were treated to excellent fare - our thanks to Scottish Widows for their hospitality.

Anyone wishing a copy of Ben's supporting PowerPoint presentation of this talk should email: info@benwilliams.co.uk

Here first is one person's report on the talk:

Ben Williams is not only a knowledgeable Corporate Psychologist but also a fine communicator. At lunchtime, after the demands of the morning and who knows what work in the afternoon, we need a laid-back, entertaining speaker. Ben fits the bill for us superbly.

So how do we help someone going through uncertainty at work? Ben told us the story of Mrs McGrumphy whose cat got run over. Ben then introduced us to the grief cycle:

• shock, turns to:
• anger, turns to:
• disbelief, turns to:
• depression, turns to:
• guilt, turns to:
• rehearsal/going over it all again
  
  
  

Such too can be the cycle a person goes through at work on having to deal with difficult news or developments. We need to be aware of this.

How to break out of the cycle? There comes a moment when we can actually acknowledge the new situation. We can find a ladder out of and away from the vicious circle just described, moving into acceptance.

• acknowledge
• become aware
• look ahead, plan
• take steps
  
  

How to help a colleague break out of the grief cycle? Well, one of the worst things we can say to a colleague is: "Oh, it'll be OK."

Ben then spoke at some length about the importance of empathy and brought in an unfashionable 4-letter word, at least one not often heard in management speak: L-O-V-E! He invited us to consider our own humanity and the humanity of the colleague we are trying to help.

"Empathy is not about skills, but attitude," said Ben. You and I and our colleagues really appreciate it when someone empathises with us, do we not? It helps enormously. (Strangely though, Ben pointed out, people aren't good at acknowledging and thanking you for empathising with them - but no matter, we should still offer what we can.)

A key factor in empathy is listening. This happens on different levels:

• only pretending to listen
• selective listening
• attentive listening
• empathising, including giving of yourself
  
  

As you truly listen and empathise you are "right in there" alongside the person, even "matching" their intensity and energy in some way, eg by similar body language. This response from us is comforting for the person going through uncertainty. Eventually, we may get the chance to help the person see and use the ladder out and away from the above-mentioned cycle. But even if we don't get the chance, at least the person has experienced our genuine concern for them. So let's be on the lookout for when the person is open to acknowledging the reality of their circumstances, but not be fazed if they aren't ready to do that yet.

Among the gems Ben shared along the way was this tip for leaders going through uncertainty: they should not plead impotence to their team members as in "My hands are tied, there is nothing I can do." Moreover, they should not hide facts and any serious implications from their team. That is poor leadership, unhelpful, and amounts to an abdication of the leader's responsibility. No, leaders are not victims paralysed in the headlights: at the very least, they have control over how they respond to difficult news or developments. They can share information. They can help their team members come to terms with it and somehow move forward.

It was a most useful lunchtime.

Here are quotes from people who attended the talk:

T of Scottish Provident

"I gained great insight into how to move on from getting trapped in the grief cycle of anger, disbelief, depression and rehearsal of bad events, to the cycle of acknowledgement and acceptance. In response to my question about getting people from the grief cycle into the acceptance cycle, my one thought to take away was : "How powerful we all are, by giving of our self" ; ie: instead of looking for a quick-fix or just 'the right thing to say' to get someone through bad times or a bad day, I've now learned that offering sustained, genuine empathy is the only way to really help .

"My friend S's thoughts were: "Real empathy can't be faked"; and secondly, he realises he needs to favour empathy over the inclination to say, when someone is in grief /disappointment/uncertainty, "Pull yourself together". We both thoroughly enjoyed the lunchtime and S said he wasn't aware that there were so many nice folk around…"

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