Report on "How do I help a colleague, client, friend or relative who has suffered a relationship breakdown?"

After we tasted some delicious rolls prepared by two members of St. Cuthbert's Church, Ken Lawson, Counsellor and retired Church of Scotland minister, addressed a group of us in the beautiful Lindisfarne Room.

Ken introduced his talk this way

In any kind of close relationship - family, friends, colleagues - we are "tied together" - highlights positive and negative. We are most likely to find who we really are in such relationships - they bring out the best and the worst

• the best is when we celebrate being in such a relationship
• the worst is when our neurotic selves surface and we bring all our "baggage" to the relationship.

House model

Ken adopted a model from Transactional Analysis - used by respected psychologists and counsellors. Ken's model was a three storey house

• in the attic is our "parent" self
• in the basement is the "child" within us
• in the main living part of the house is the adult we are here and now - but still carrying the "parent" and "child" parts of ourselves.

Each of these parts - "parent", "child" and "adult" has a positive and a negative side.

Then we meet someone else - their overall house model is the same but their "Parent", "child" and "adult" is different in each case.

There is a connectedness between the two of you and in the beginning you only see the positive sides of each other.

Between you, you build a third house made up from what each of you has in the other two houses.

Difficulties arise when the "parent" in the attic breaks through uninvited, or the "child" from the basement. Then the negative begins to show through and little breakdowns in the relationship occur.

Games we play

Ken said there are three roles people adopt in relationship "games" - persecutor, rescuer or victim. We link up with someone often because we sense they will play the opposite hand to us, e.g. victim to our persecutor, rescuer to our victim.

When we trying to help someone we know who is suffering a relationship breakdown it is useful:-

1. to recognize the games they are playing in the relationship
2. to refuse to play their games - for they will then have to start dealing with issues which they have been avoiding.

What can we do?

Some of the things we can do tohelp, said Ken, are:-

• listen - not just to words but also to feelings - look at their body-language and what it might be telling you.
• don't be afraid of silence - don't try to fill the silences with words.
• don't judge - allow them to talk and give them gentle feedback on what they have said and how they have said it.
• if you have both parties in the breakdown with you, facilitate gently by allowing each to speak. Remember you are helping by "being there" for them. Don't underestimate the usefulness of just "being there" for them.
• you don't have to fix it - that is not your responsibility. Take this pressure off yourself.

If all else fails and you feel out of your depth, you can refer them to a recognized counseling service.

Counselling centres recommended by Ken:-

Pastoral Foundation, 15 Morningside Road          447 0876

No 21 Rutland Square                                     221 9377

Couple Counselling, 9A Dundas Street                556 1527

Scottish Marriage Care, 113 Whitehouse Loan     623 8919

Corsa                                           http://www.cosca.org.uk/docs/3.pdf

Samaritans                                                   08457 90 90 90

Wellspring, 13 Smith's Place                             553 6660

Ken's final piece of advice and encouragement -

Never think you've failed - the fact that you were there providing a     listening ear is the important thing. That is already a real help.

P. S. from Oasis - further resources you may like to know about:

Church of Scotland National Counselling Service, Wallace House, 3 Boswell Road, Granton, Edinburgh, EH5 3RJ. Tel: 0131 552 8901

Rosamund Robertson, until recently with the above and comes with recommendation, especially in the area of marriage. 07815 847338.

Important footnote:

At the above lunchtime Iain Archibald of OASIS mentioned that some of the points Ken Lawson made were touched on in a talk Iain heard recently in Glasgow: “How do I help a colleague, client, friend or relative who has suffered a bereavement?” To view the PowerPoint presentation of that Glasgow talk click here (Please allow a few moments)

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